January 28, 2000
by: Argentina Mendieta Otero
Even though the legal status of marriage hasn't always been around, men and women getting together as a couple is as old as time itself. I couldn't know what the chemistry between a man and a woman in ancient times was, but I am very sure it was not very different from what it is right now; men and women haven't changed much since then, the same things that made them happy then, make them happy now. But in the many years I have had working with families, I have observed how differently the married life affects them both. In my opinion, women have to sacrifice more and compromise more to keep harmony in the relationship. What angers me is that our society as a whole seems to believe it is up to the woman to make everybody happy whereas the man just takes and takes. Woman has been described as "the other" by a woman French psychologist and an American theologian. I took that to mean, woman is not considered a whole, complete human being with a destiny of her own unless she is in the service of others. I am not against being in the service of others, of course, but does a woman experience her identity in relation to this service, within the context of this service, whatever it is? Or does she already have a firm grip on who she truly is before she comes into a relationship with anyone person or situation? I think that is what has to be questioned, not the service itself.
Going back to married life and a woman's relationship to a husband and children, this is what I have observed:
When a woman marries, she gives up her name and takes her husband's last name. Even when she doesn't take her husband's name, her children will have her husband's last name and the woman's name will not feature at all in the children's names even though she is the mother and a member of the family as well. A man is never expected to take on the wife's name next to his, nothing changes in his name even though he has taken on a spouse, just like she did, but the change in name is only expected of the woman. Why?
When a couple decides that one of the parents should stay home and take care of the household and the children, it is usually the woman who will quit her job, even if she loves it and feels very useful doing it; she'll be the one to sacrifice her career for the sake of the family. I understand it if the man is making considerably more money than the woman, but I have seen it happen in families where the woman was making as much money as the man, and other cases, she was making more money than the husband, when it came to choosing the one was to live a domestic life, it always turned out to be the woman. What is insulting to womanhood and all the wonderful gifts that God has bestowed upon her is that men and society as a whole don't think there is anything wrong if a woman spends her entire day changing diapers, sweeping dirt off the floor and cleaning toilets, but people consider it unmanly and beneath a man's dignity and pride if a man stays home and spends his entire day doing just that, if he were to be the one to stay home to take care of the kids, cook and clean house. It is as if people thought that woman's talents are used best when she is deciding whether to roast or not to roast, or which toilet cleaner disinfects the best.
I notice an injustice also when it comes to disciplining the children. The father always seems to be the one to choose how they are going to be taught a lesson. Just as it is with all other major decisions; the man's final word goes. The woman can give her opinion, of course, after all, she is a parent too; but when it comes to a decision about what course of action to take in regards to anything, it is always the man who chooses. Again, nobody thinks it is unwomanly or beneath her to obey the husband and go along with whatever the husband decides, but it is considered unmanly or a sign of weakness on the part of the man if he is letting the woman make all the choices, it is regarded as having his authority undermined, whereas if the woman obeys it is considered alright.
I used to be angry at women for making these choices, I used to think that these women had come into the marriage not knowing who they were and the long-awaited identification had come when they became Mrs. Somebody; somebody's wife at last. Finally, they were somebody. And the fact that she would give up a career that had cost her a lot of sweat and sacrifice to stay home and be a housewife, I attributed that to the fact that women deep down wanted to be taken care of and let the man make the important decisions and deal with the big, ugly, nasty world just like when she was a little girl, back home, taken care of by mom and dad. It is always easier to let others decide for you, like a husband, than to think for yourself. If something goes wrong, you don't have to blame yourself, you have somebody else to accuse.
But now I am wondering if men don't also get some emotional issues settled when they are the boss at home, being in control and head of the whole household. What does he feel like inside when he is not in control, does he feel weak as a man? If he can't control his wife, does he feel like a failure as a man? Does he feel like a loser, like he has no authority what-so-ever? Or does he feel he wants to share his authority as a parent and adult with the woman he has take on as a partner, somebody he considers an equal? An emotional, intellectual equal? Does he consider women an absolute equal? Or does he consider his wife an inferior being who can only function if she is dominated and told what to do? Do men feel lost, empty and their lives out of control if they are not the boss at home?
I wonder when the time will come when a woman won't look to a romantic relationship with a man to feel she has some kind of identity. I still believe in love, I do believe in marriage, I am just not partial to the fact that society has convinced women that the only respectable identity to have is that of wife and mother and that she is better off in the protection of some man: either her daddy or her husband.
I hope someday women will realize the broad extent of their gifts, not just for cooking and cleaning, but for anything that she sets her mind to. What she'll do with her life is something that only she alone can figure out. The destiny of woman and society as a whole will only be determined by how strongly she believes in her dreams and if she doesn't let anybody talk her into something she doesn't want or if she doesn't let anybody talk her out of something she wants. I hope by that time, she has already figured out her worth and realizes that you owe it to yourself and to the order in humanity to believe in who you are and be firm and stand on your own two feet. Only then women will start experiencing the bliss, the ecstasy, the joy that is being alive and remain true to yourself.
All the best wishes to you! You deserved them!
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